


In Extremis

by Berty



Category: due South
Genre: Angst, Experimentation, M/M, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-16
Updated: 2006-08-16
Packaged: 2017-10-12 10:37:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/123995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berty/pseuds/Berty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray turns up on the Consulate steps, wet, cold and with an unusual request.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Extremis

Fraser is reading by the light of his desk lamp. It's late - later than he would normally still be up, but today was a difficult day, and his mind won't stop. His over-analytical brain keeps replaying key moments, trying to divine clues that probably aren't even there to be found. If he could stop it, he would - he knows it's doing him no good at all to entertain such self-serving thoughts.

Dief gets up from Fraser's cot, makes an unhelpful remark, and trots out of the room, his claws clicking on the marble floor of the foyer. Fraser ignores him and turns the page. He hasn't taken in a single word of the last five pages, he knows, but the familiar weight of a book in his hand is soothing; unlike his unquiet mind, struggling to understand Ray's recent erratic behaviour.

Fraser stops pretending, closes his eyes and scrapes a thumbnail over his eyebrow.

The noise, when it comes, isn't subtle. It's not the sound of someone trying to go undetected; it's the sound of someone in a hurry. Fraser sets down his book and pads out into the cold hallway in his socks.

The front door to the consulate is still shut, but that is where the muffled thumps and scratches are coming from. Fraser clicks on the overhead light and walks to the door, pulling they keys from his pocket. As his hand reaches out, the door swings violently open forcing him to take a step back, and the figure of a man falls in through the doorway.

"Hello, Ray." Of course he knew that chances were that it would be Ray. Who else would be breaking into the Canadian consulate so ineptly at midnight on a cold, wet, October Tuesday?

The figure straightens up, using the door to balance him and turns to Fraser. He looks terrible, almost manic.

"What happened?" Fraser asks quickly, reaching for his partner's elbow, but Ray shrinks away from his touch, scowling at him. Startled by the response, Fraser moves back again and waits.

Ray is drenched, his beige raincoat dark with water. His hair is plastered to his head, his eyes are puffy and he's fidgeting, shuffling and avoiding Fraser's gaze. For a man who has just broken in to get to him, Ray doesn't seem to be very comfortable in Fraser's company.

"You said anytime, Frase," Ray explains finally looking at him, but it comes out defensively as if he expects to be challenged on it. His voice sounds raw.

"And I meant it, Ray."

Ray nods once and looks at the pool of water forming at his feet. He makes no move into the building - no move of any sort, other than the nervous twitching of shoulders, feet and hands. He looks like some kind of tremendous debate is going on within him, tearing at his reason and leaving him adrift. It pulls him first one way, then another, and Ray's restlessness is surely a symptom of that disquiet.

Behind Ray the sickly glow of sodium street lighting casts its yellow/pink tinge on the falling rain. Fraser only has his Henley on and the wind is uncharacteristically frigid for this time of year. Ray must be cooling very fast in his soaked clothes. Fraser doesn't want to interrupt his friend, but as the seconds segue into minutes and Ray still shows no signs of coming to a decision, Fraser feels he has act.

"Ray, why don't you come in and we can discuss...?"

"You said anything... if I ever needed anything, that I could come to you. Did you mean that too?" Ray says fast and loud, like he was just waiting for Fraser's voice to prime him.

"Yes," Fraser replies simply. He doesn't need to qualify it; he's past believing he could deny Ray anything in his power.

Fraser wonders if he can approach Ray yet without a negative reaction from his tense friend. Just as he's about to risk it, Ray closes the Consulate door, locking it behind him. With the air of a condemned man he turns and closes the gap between them, his eyes still cast down.

Now he's closer, Fraser can smell the torment on his friend. Ray is a mixture of cold rain and whiskey and tears.

"I don't want you to ask questions or try and talk me out of anything, okay? I just want yes or no, can you do that?" Ray's voice is low and tight like he's squeezing it out through a throat that's too small.

"Ray..."

"Can you do that?" Ray snaps again and there is the slightest twist of his hip and shoulder back towards the door - not a warning Fraser thinks, but an indication of how hard this is for Ray; how finely balanced his resolve is.

"I'll do my best," Fraser concedes.

"Thanks." A glance up at him from under rain-spiked lashes confirms the deep gratitude Ray feels at that expression of trust, and Fraser has a terrible suspicion that he might live to regret it.

"Let's go to your room," Ray says quietly, but he waits for Fraser to lead the way.

As soon as the door is shut, Ray sheds his sodden overcoat. Fraser takes it and hangs it on the back of the door. He goes to his closet and rummages for dry clothes and a clean towel.

"Ray, it would be a good idea if you..." He looks up from his pile of clothing and Ray is standing there in just his jersey shorts with a look on his face that is part defiance, part fear and part hope.

"I want you to fuck me."

Fraser can't stop the shock of arousal that Ray's words evoke, but somehow everything else seems to come to a standstill. His mouth is still shaping the next word of a sentence he may have started millennia ago, and the towelling material in his hands is suddenly sharp and rough against sensitised skin. He drops it onto his desk.

Ray stands waiting; his pale skin looks slightly ethereal in the inadequate light from Fraser's lamp. Fraser knows he shouldn't stare so openly, but he can't seem to take his eyes off Ray. And perhaps that's what Ray wants or why else would he be standing there so openly, so bravely?

Ray clears his throat in a gesture that betrays the uncertainty his actions are masking. "Do you have a... like... moral problem with that?"

Somehow Fraser shakes his head.

"Okay, good. What about a physical one? Can you... you know...? Do you think you can...? Ahhhh, fuck it." Ray runs a hand through his hair, sending it into random damp spikes.

Fraser's eyes are mesmerised by the stretch of skin over ribs and the flow of muscle in Ray's upper arm. The dim light in his office emphasises the shadows in the hollow of Ray's clavicle, his throat, his hip. Loose at his side, his wrist is encircled with those strange, idiosyncratic beads, his only adornment other than the tattoo.

Fraser's skin has become too tight and tingling hot. He's grounded by the sound of Ray's voice, tired and beaten.

"Can you get it up for me, Fraser?"

For the first time a hint of a blush creeps from beneath Ray's jaw and onto his cheeks. But his eyes, wide and scared, hold Fraser's. His partner's courage is breathtaking, making a coward of him. Fraser would never, ever have had the nerve to actually go to Ray and ask for what he's been wanting for such a long time now.

"That's not a problem, Ray." Fraser tells him quietly, and thrills a little when Ray's eyebrows register his understanding.

Ray blinks twice, then nods. He bends and fumbles in the pile of clothes at his feet, and retrieves a bottle and a small cardboard box; both look brand new. He puts them down at the side of Fraser's cot, then quickly slips out of his underwear and lays down stiffly on the precisely made blankets and sheets.

Fraser's heart is aching. This isn't how it should be. He wonders if Ray had downed the whisky at home as some kind of resolve or if he stopped on his way here in a nameless bar for some Dutch courage after buying what he needed at an all night pharmacy. Either way, Fraser knows Ray isn't drunk - he hasn't come here on an inebriated whim. The alcohol was to calm him enough to do something he'd obviously already decided on.

The question is why.

Why does he want Fraser to fuck him?

Fraser said that he would not ask questions. He said he would not try to talk Ray out of this. He said he would do his best to give Ray what he needed. Which is worse? To break those assurances or to give in to Ray's request and pray that the consequences don't destroy them both?

It would be easy - so easy - to make love to Ray right now. He's beautiful, stretched out on Fraser's pathetic, lonely cot like so many of Fraser's dreams before now. Slim and strong, pale and flawless in the low light; Fraser had no idea how close his dreams were to the reality of Ray's body. He's not covering himself, his legendary attitude won't allow Ray to be anything but truthful tonight, Fraser knows. Yet, Fraser can see he's not hard, his penis lies, soft and heavy against his thigh.

There are so many reasons why this is a bad idea and there is no good way to do this. Fraser has the impression that Ray is hanging on by his nails over a drop into nothing, and that the bravado that has carried him here is his last chance - a kind of do or die.

Ray waits for Fraser to choose.

If Fraser asks why, Ray will crumble - he can feel it. Only God knows how long he has been winding himself up for this. Could Fraser really be so arrogant as to assume he knows what Ray wants better than Ray does? Is this for his benefit? If he says no, will Ray go and find someone else to do this for him?

Fraser feels his options slipping away, one by one as Ray quietly waits for his answer. He's terrified that the option he wants most to be the right one is also the one that he's finding no way out of. Is that his own preferences skewing his logical processes or is that really the best way?

Fraser realises that ultimately none of this is up to him. He'll do this because Ray asked him to and because... ah...God... because he's wanted to love Ray for so long. If Ray gets up afterwards and Fraser never sees him again, all he'll have is the hope that Ray remembers that he made Fraser say he'd help before he told him how. Ray knows longing and how it can make you act uncharacteristically, Fraser hopes Ray can extend that knowledge beyond himself and into what he's about to do.

Fraser undoes the buttons of his Henley, watching Ray's eyes watch his hands. He pulls the cotton shirt over his head and lets it drop. He unbuckles his belt, slowly, waiting for Ray to tell him to stop, but his friend stays silent. He pops the buttons on his jeans - the noise of the material is startlingly loud in his silent office. Before he slides them off his hips, he twists and bends the lamp closer to the desk, casting the tiny, soulless office deeper into shadow.

As he stoops to pull off his jeans and socks, Fraser notices that Ray is hardening slowly. Ray's head is rolled to the side, one hand on his belly, one behind his neck. Ray can't miss that Fraser is very hard already, his gaze flicks from Fraser's groin to his eyes, then away.

Fraser longs to ask Ray if this is really what he wants - he needs to hear those words from Ray's lips. He longs to tell Ray what this is to him - he's not doing a favour for a friend here - this means something so much more to him. He's desperate to hear why Ray would want this now. Why this? Why now? Fraser would give much to understand what Ray hopes to learn from this experience. But to ask Ray any of these would be to question his ability to make his own decisions. It would prove to Ray, once and for all his erroneous belief that Fraser doesn't trust him.

With his mind spinning, Fraser steps close to the cot. Ray's eyes track him now, openly staring as he takes in Fraser from top to bottom repeatedly. Ray is still silent, giving Fraser no opportunity to speak in the guise of a response to an enquiry.

Fraser pushes his boxers over his hips, easing them over his erection and gritting his teeth as the cool air passes over his hot skin.

Ray's eyes widen and Fraser wants to just take Ray in his arms and rock him, tell him he won't hurt him. Tell him this is too fast. Tell him that he has only to say it and they can stop.

"How?" Fraser grunts. It's all he is allowed to say.

"O... o... on my knees. Hands and knees." Ray looks terrified, but his penis is becoming stiff and engorged. How can he want this and hate this at the same time?

Fraser thinks he might just suffocate from the look of innocence on Ray's face. He's never done this before, Fraser's sure of it. The condoms, the lubricant and Ray rolling onto his belly - Fraser's certain Ray has got all this knowledge from locker room ragging or more likely an internet site. Gay sex for beginners. How homos do it.

If Ray had only said, trusted Fraser not to react badly, he could have shown him something else. He could have shown him where love fits into the sum. Fraser's sure that Ray's heard guy + guy = a dick up your ass and a mouthful of pillow. Ray is expecting this to hurt - he's expecting to be penetrated, Fraser to come and it all being over; rutting not loving. Why?

When Fraser runs a gentle hand down Ray's spine, his partner almost leaps off the cot. His muscles are all tensed, screwed up into hard knots of stress. His skin is still cool from the soaking he got and he's trying to control bouts of trembling which Fraser thinks are more to do with nerves than the cold.

There's no way Fraser is going to touch him anywhere below the waist until Ray is less terrified; he couldn't bear to hurt him and as tense as he is, there's no way Fraser could do anything but.

He kneels between Ray's legs, ignoring the ominous creaking of his cot. Fraser thought his friend was as wound up as he possibly could be, but Ray goes totally rigid as he settles.

Fraser's throat is full. He struggles not to speak. He desperately wants to ask, "Why are you doing this?" "What are you trying to prove and to whom?" With slow, unthreatening strokes, Fraser begins to work across Ray's shoulders; firm hands, constant pace, not moving onto the next area until the skin beneath his fingers is warm and looser. Fraser runs a hand up into the short, soft hairs of Ray's head, rubbing at his neck and memorising every swell of muscle, every angle of bone.

Fraser is very careful as he leans over his partner that his penis doesn't touch Ray's back. It isn't difficult as the erection he's sustaining is high against his belly thanks to the proximity of the naked man beneath him, who he happens to be in love with. Fraser's hands are gentle, but his teeth are gritted to the point of discomfort holding back the words that are crowding his throat. He wishes he could put his teeth where his hands are, he wants to feel Ray's smooth flesh against his lips and tongue; he wants to taste him, mark him, make him hiss with the pleasure/pain of it.

Ray's shivers are lessened and his shoulders are lower, more relaxed. He rocks very slightly against the cot and Fraser smiles a little, knowing that Ray's growing erection is what is making him move over the blanket like that. Sweet friction.

He said he wouldn't try to talk him out of it, and he hasn't, but Fraser didn't promise not to talk at all and he wants to keep Ray as relaxed as possible.

"Ray?"

"Fraser, we agreed. No questions, no arguments."

"I'm not arguing. I want to tell you what I'm doing, is that okay?"

If Fraser can explain his actions to Ray, then maybe he can keep him focussed on his voice rather than Ray's horrible expectations of the act itself.

"Uh, yuh. That's fine, Frase." Nerves are beginning to creep back into his voice, so Fraser rubs a hand up and down his back as he snags the lubricant from the floor.

"We're going to go slowly. I'm going to use my fingers to..."

"Open me. Yeah, I know."

Fraser is glad Ray seems to have read something that discussed the need for preparation and not simply a bare bones account. He feels Ray flinch when he snaps open the top of the bottle. He pours a goodly amount onto his fingers, working it on his own skin until it's warm.

"I need you to..."

Ray rises onto his knees without waiting for the rest of the sentence. The erection he'd been working against the blanket while Fraser rubbed his back is fading fast. Ray drops onto his elbows and buries his head between his hands.

Without thinking, Fraser leans forward and presses a kiss on the small of Ray's back, causing his partner to jump again.

Ray cranes his neck to the side. "Fraser, you don't need to... I'm not expecting..."

Defiantly, Fraser kisses him again, soft, whispering kisses against the patch of short blonde hairs in the dip above his buttocks, first one side of his spine and then the other. He rubs his mouth back and forth, feeling the delicious prickle of the hairs against his lips. "I'm going to touch you now," he murmurs into Ray's skin.

Cautiously, Fraser brings his lubricated fingers up to Ray's entrance and places a single finger in the crease. Ray's shivers intensify again, so Fraser ghosts his finger back and forth over his hole, depositing the slipperiness and accustoming Ray to his touch in so intimate a place. After several passes, Ray's breathing begins to even out again.

"Are you ready?"

"No!" Ray grits. "Damn it! Yes, I'm ready."

"Relax, Ray. I'm not going to hurt you."

Ray lets go a shuddering breath and Fraser times his pressure accordingly. As Ray exhales, Fraser pushes his fingertip into him.

Ray's body tenses at the incursion, his muscles try to expel the pressure, but Fraser just waits for Ray's next breath and pushes in further.

Ray groans, quiet and low as Fraser pushes past the bands of muscle, a little further with each breath until his knuckles rest against Ray's buttocks.

Ray is tighter than Fraser even imagined. His finger is already numbing from the intense squeezing heat inside his partner. Ray is panting into his hands, trembling.

"Ray, I'm going to move my finger back and forth to relax the muscles a little before I add a second finger." He doesn't reply, so Fraser begins to work Ray's hole. Already he needs more lubricant, so he drizzles more onto his fingers, rubbing it into his friend. He twists his wrist, changing the angle of penetration. Ray shifts a little on his knees and Fraser slides a second finger alongside the first on his next push. Ray's head jerks up for a moment before he buries it once more into his hands.

His partner is silent as Fraser progresses from two to three fingers, twisting his hand in a screwing motion to loosen the reluctant muscles. Fraser is using every trick at his disposal to keep from ejaculating just watching his fingers slide in and out of Ray. Fraser knows that if he stretched a little further he could reach Ray's prostate gland, but Ray's erratic breathing reminds him that this is probably the first time Ray has ever had anything inside him like this and digging around blind would more likely traumatise him further than give him the jolt of pure lust he himself experiences when touched there.

"Ray, you're as open as I can manage with your current state of anxiety." Even as he says it, Fraser can feel Ray's body clamp down around his fingers. "If you would let me touch..."

"No," Ray says quickly. "You can't touch my dick. I don't want... I just want your cock in my ass."

"If you would allow me to bring you to orgasm, I can assure you the relaxation afterwards would make for..."

"No!" Ray twists to look over his shoulder at Fraser. His face is flushed and miserable and Fraser's heart leaps into his throat. This is not the way this should happen. Whatever had made Ray believe that he wanted to have penetrative sex with him was obviously misguided and just plain wrong.

"Ray..." Fraser's voice is breaking, hollow and pleading. He takes his fingers from his partner's body.

"Please, Fraser. Don't make me explain. I just... I just... I need this, okay?"

"You hate it," Fraser blurts and bites his lip at his own failure to stay quiet.

"Doesn't matter. I'm asking you, Fraser. You said you'd... please, Frase. Do it. Do it now."

"Will you tell me why?"

"Afterwards?"

"If you won't tell me now."

"I'll...I'll try, okay? Afterwards. Please, Fraser, just..." Ray wiggles his hips and lets his head drop forward signalling that the conversation is over and it's time for action.

Fraser's erection has waned and his own hand is only just enough to bring it back sufficiently to get a condom on and the lubricant doesn't help at all. Of course, he's aroused, how could he be otherwise with Ray's smooth, beautiful buttocks, hitched up ready for him. But each time he closes his eyes, he can see Ray's face when he fell through the consulate door earlier tonight - determined, unhappy, frightened.

He positions himself between Ray's thighs and lays his chest against his back. His forehead lies on the skin between Ray's shoulders and he breathes in the scent of him; warm flesh, sweat, soap. His penis swells at the familiar aroma. Daringly, Fraser lowers his lips onto that sweet skin and sucks the taste of Ray from it. Ray shivers and Fraser is harder than ever, he can feel the moisture at the tip of him within the confining latex sheath.

Fraser kneels up and presses closer. He guides himself to Ray's opening, feels the catch as his penis finds the right spot and holds himself there. With shaking fingers, he traces patterns on Ray's back.

"Ray, try to relax. Try to let me in," he murmurs, but when he presses, the angle is all wrong and his erection slides away between Ray's cheeks, eliciting a small sob from Ray.

His tremors intensify as he lines himself up again, a firm hand around his shaft. Ray shifts on his knees, bringing his hips higher, trying to help achieve his objective. Once more Fraser presses forward. He's right this time, he feels the give, but Ray is rigid, clamped tight and Fraser can't make any headway without a vicious thrust of his hips.

"Ray," his voice is shaking. "You have to trust me. If you want this, you have to relax and let me in. I'm not going to hurt you, but you have to relax."

Ray pants and Fraser can feel him trying to loosen the muscles. It's making a difference, and with a subtle roll of his hips, Fraser feels the first ring give and he's inside him, just. Ray throws his head back and groans hard. Every single muscle in his buttocks tightens and Fraser has to bite his tongue to keep from yelping. It's too tight, too much; he's being gripped in hard, unyielding heat. He can't move, forward or back.

"Fraser!"

"Relax, Ray. You have to breathe! Bear down, I'll pull out."

"No! In," Ray growls.

"I can't, Ray. I can't push in. I'll hurt you!" He can hear his own panic in his voice.

"I _want_ you to hurt me!" Ray spits.

Fraser is frozen in horror as he feels Ray take a deep breath beneath him, and exhale on a shout as he forces himself back onto Fraser's penis. The muscles all give at once and Fraser shouts, "Fuck!" as he feels himself sink deep into Ray's body.

For a moment Fraser can think of nothing but the overwhelming sensation of Ray's body around him. He's squeezed from all sides, captured in the wet heat of him. He can feel the stretch of muscles unused to being forced this way. He can feel a pulse, but he's so closely held within, he doesn't know if it's his or Ray's. It's so tight, so close, but he fits and they are joined perfectly.

As Fraser's wonder abates somewhat, he can feel Ray shuddering beneath him, struggling to stay on his hands. He's keening deep in his chest, words jumbled with moans.

"God, oh God. Ben. Ughhhh. Jeezus, you're so fucking huge, you're splitting me. Ahhhhhhh. Don't move, Ben. Ugh. Don't you fucking move."

Through his distraction Fraser recognises a name he hasn't heard used for a long time. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he repeats over and over.

Ray stops groaning and starts breathing, fighting to keep it even. Fraser can feel his tremors from within and without as he tries to get past the pain. He slides an arm around his chest, helping Ray to stay on his hands and knees, and breathes apologies into Ray's spine with every exhalation. Slowly, Ray's settles.

"Shhhhhh." Ray is whispering to him now, his voice only a little shaky. "I'm okay."

"Hurt you," Fraser croaks.

"No, Frase. **I** hurt me," Ray clarifies between breaths.

Slowly, Fraser becomes aware that Ray is moving his hips, so, so slightly, feeling him, learning the shape and size and stretch of him. When Ray clenches his muscles experimentally, Fraser groans and thumps his head down onto Ray's back again.

"Move, Ben," Ray commands. He sounds almost curious.

They both hiss as Fraser eases back the tiniest fraction, and pushes in. "Need to..." Fraser moans.

"... go slow," Ray agrees.

Fraser begins to rock his hips, tiny, incremental twitches, while Ray twists and stretches, panting with each thrust. Fraser is sweating, resisting the urge to shove as hard as he can. As Ray adjusts it becomes easier, Fraser can shift position, change his angle, make it feel better.

Ray lets out a started moan and Fraser listens to him, listens to what Ray's body is telling him. He wasn't expecting this, Fraser realises through a haze of sensation.

"Ben?" a whisper.

"It's okay. I've got you. I'm going to make it good for you," Fraser explains, spreading his knees a little wider and rolling his hips.

Ray catches a breath. "Ahhhh."

"Good?"

"Yeah, but... s'not supposed to be good, Frase. Ahhh!"

Fraser is lost in the awareness of Ray's hole closing on him with each sigh. It's all he can do to stay on his knees. The heat of him sliding in, the ache of him pulling out - it makes him stupid with sensation. He tries to anchor himself with hands on Ray's hips, fingers spread wide.

He feels the moment Ray stops thinking and starts feeling - it's like the last barrier is broken down and with Fraser's next thrust he goes deeper than ever before. They both cry out and Fraser understands that he's close now, very close.

Leaning down once again over Ray's back, Fraser takes an unsteady hand and runs it around his partner's skin, feeling it's smooth heat become short hairs, not so coarse as his own. Finally his hand encounters what he was hoping for. Ray is hard again, his hot, heavy penis and testicles exposed between his spread thighs. Fraser rubs the backs of his fingers up the length of Ray's penis.

Ray moans. "Oh God, Frase. I said not to..."

Next time Fraser runs his short nails from root to tip - the lightest pressure, barely touching him at all. Ray's arms stretch from where they cradle his head and flail, looking for something. They land heavily on the end of Fraser's cot and he grips on tightly.

"O God. Oh my God," he murmurs.

Fraser grazes the pads of his fingertips slowly down the underside of Ray's erection. The muscles in Ray's arms and back ebb and flow as he flexes and moves at the overwhelming sensation, and Fraser _has_ to bite him then. He's delicious, spare and lean, salt slicked with sweat. Fraser holds the flesh gently between his teeth and sucks it into his mouth.

"Oh!" Ray breathes as Fraser ghosts his fingers over his glans then back down the shaft, between thumb and finger, so gently, too light even to tickle. He cups Ray's testicles, feeling them tighten against his body.

Ray is moaning constantly now. Fraser keeps up with the teasing, maddening touches, never giving Ray enough friction to finish him. Ray is pushing back into every measured thrust of Fraser's penis, interspersing his incomprehensible moans with profanities. Fraser straightens his back, pushes Ray's spread knees a little further apart and thrusts up hard.

"Ben! God! That's it, right there! Oh my God. Like that. Fuck, just like that!"

Fraser hears him and obliges, angling each thrust into the tightness the way that makes Ray curse and arch his back. Fraser's own release is practically upon him, only held back by bitten lips and closed eyes. He pushes in and holds as deep as he can.

"Ben..." Almost pleading.

"It's okay. You're there. I've got you."

Ray is shaking apart beneath him and Fraser finally, finally takes a firm hold on Ray's shaft and squeezes. Fraser kisses his shoulder blades as Ray huffs out a startled "Huh!" and comes.

Ray just seizes up, stilling completely as the first pulse hits the crumpled blankets, before his hips buck, and it's all Fraser can do to move with him. The throbbing in Fraser's fist is strong, swelling Ray's penis still further.

Fraser feels the contractions of Ray's orgasm in the gripping heat within him, and this pulls his last shred of control away. Fraser moans and lets go. He shoots deep within his partner's body, Ray's slick tightness pulling at him, dragging every tremor, every shuddering drop from his jerking penis. And Ray groans as he takes it; perfect, courageous Ray, brilliant, beautiful, brave Ray who moves with him like they'd done this a hundred times before.

They slump to the cot in a sticky tangle of arms and legs. Fraser gently pulls out and rolls onto his hip, pressing kisses and murmuring nonsense into Ray's damp hair. Ray is breathing hard, trying to regain some composure.

As they settle, Ray rolls onto his side, facing away from Fraser on the narrow cot. Fraser works an arm beneath his neck and throws the other one over Ray's chest, holding him tightly to prevent the distance he can already feel forming between them. It's not a sexual action; it's not even possessive, it's just... necessary. Fraser knows that he could lose this before he's even had a chance to understand it.

Fraser listens to the sound of his heart beating and the rain outside hitting the window. He's startled when Ray begins to talk, still slightly breathless but with a gritty determination.

"You can't get pissy or talk to me like I'm retarded or anything, okay?"

Cautiously Fraser nods against Ray's back, unsure whether he has the capacity to reply coherently yet.

It takes a minute for Ray to continue. He swallows convulsively. "The thing is... the thing... is..." Ray has slipped from sated and calm into a state of nervousness in an instant. He hunches his shoulders and fidgets with his hair. "I came to talk myself out of being in love with you," Ray admits roughly.

Fraser doesn't move. He has no idea what to say to that.

Ray's hands come up and close over Fraser's fingers, holding him like he's afraid Fraser is going to pull away. "I'm not gay," he blurts. "I was married for fifteen years, for Chrissakes! I've never been seriously interested in guys - I may have noticed a few in passing, but what guy doesn't?"

Fraser doesn't feel qualified to answer, but hugs against Ray's back to signal that he's heard, hoping he'll continue.

"Then you come along and bang! Instant fucking mid-life crisis. I thought it was a Stella reaction, you know? Like a polar opposite thing - she was blonde and female, and you're dark and a guy. I could've understood that, if it was just a phase - you know, like a 'who needs women anyway?' thing. But it didn't wear off. It didn't... God, I need a cigarette."

Fraser squeezes his fingers and he composes himself. "So it got worse and worse. And it hit me... I wasn't _interested_ in you... I was falling in love with you. I had all these reactions to you that I'd only ever had for Stell before, you know? Like romantic shit and dreaming about you and being jealous when you were getting cosy with some woman or something."

Fraser smiles against Ray's back and understands exactly who he means. The irony that he himself was attempting to sublimate his own increasing need for Ray's presence is not lost on him.

"So I kind of freaked there a little bit. Made up all these bullshit excuses to be an asshole to you, so you'd get pissed with me and tell me to fuck off."

"Not very likely, I'm afraid, Ray."

"You came close on the boat, there, Frase."

Fraser's chest aches a little at the mention of their adventure on the Henry Allen, when it had seemed for a while that their duet was indeed doomed. Now he understands Ray's irrational behaviour, he realises he could have handled it better, if he'd seen what was right under his nose.

"So when that didn't work, I had to think of something else," Ray continues quietly. "Like I said, I'm not gay. I've never...done... stuff... with a guy before. When I thought about two guys together, well, it made me uncomfortable. I'd dreamed about kissing you and you touching me, and I was sorta okay with that, but the full deal? No way."

Poor Ray, Fraser thinks. He himself has had a long time to come to terms with his labile sexuality and while it hasn't always been an easy thing for him to accept, at least he hasn't had years of prior conditioning to overcome. As far as Fraser knows, Ray comes from a strictly traditional background, and that, added to his notoriously homophobic profession, must give him a very shaky place to be embracing his personality shift from.

"Besides, I'd kinda begun to notice you noticing me and I thought that maybe you were... maybe... thinking about me... and... you know. It had all just been in my head, before and now it seemed like a possibility that you..." Ray trails off, sighs and scratches his forehead on their joined hands.

Fraser loves the way that Ray loses his vocabulary when he becomes emotional. Words are not Ray Kowalski's friends, for all that he claims to be a poet 'on the inside'. But Fraser is pressed against Ray's back, their sweat cooling between their skins and he can feel the twitching of muscle and the hitch of breath that betray Ray's distress. He puts his lips on Ray's neck.

"So I figured if anything could sort out in my head that I wasn't meant to be queer, it was doing what I was most afraid of. Knowing it was gonna hurt. To like, either do it and hate it, or to not be able to go though with it at all. Or, my personal favourite, have you kick me out on my ass for being a sick bastard."

Ray falls silent, his body goes perfectly still, and Fraser takes his mouth away from his nape and waits.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Ray finally says.

And here's the rub.

"And now?" Fraser asks quietly. He tries to keep the trepidation out of his voice, but somehow, spooned up behind his confused partner, smeared with his sweat and lying in the cold, damp stain of his ejaculate, he seems to have lost the ability to dissemble.

"I was right. It fucking hurts," Ray mutters and shifts his hips a little as if to illustrate his point. "But, I guess, as I just came like something off the launch pad at Cape Canaveral, that my bod is pretty okay with that."

"It's a big decision to make, Ray." Fraser's mind is screaming at his mouth to shut-up, but when has that ever stopped him from doing the right thing?

"Yeah, Frase. Thanks, I know that. I kinda figured that bit right about the time I started jerking off thinking about you." His voice is sarcastic, but Fraser knows Ray better that to let his tone indicate what he really means. This is something it is going to take him some time to come to terms with, despite him having just leapt in with both feet in his characteristic, impetuous fashion. And Fraser resists the urge to ask him about the "jerking off" part. For now, anyway.

"Would you like to...that is... Will you stay?"

Ray cranes his neck to look over his shoulder at him.

Fraser is holding his breath. Has he overstepped the mark? When Ray said he was 'in love' with him, did that mean love as he understands it or some 'Ray' version of love that he hasn't yet heard the rules of?

"Two guys in one cot? Does that work with the sleeping thing?"

"Ah. Not comfortably, no. But I can make up bedrolls on the floor."

"I've already got that badge, Frase," Ray says turning to the wall and curling back into Fraser's body. And although the words were glib, the smile that went with them was one Fraser recognises. A small smile, like the first day they met and Fraser asked Ray to eat with him; shy, pleased and almost surprised.

Fraser swallows his sigh of relief. Ray's not going. If Fraser has his way, Ray's not going anywhere for a long, long time. "You can call me Ben. If you'd like. That is, I noticed that while we were... you called me by my... Well, you can. If you want to."

"'Kay," Ray says in a blanket muffled voice.

"I'll just be a moment." Fraser edges off the cot, grabs the towel and his wash bag, and retreats to the bathroom. Looking at himself in the mirror under the unflattering overhead light, Fraser can't help grinning at his reflection. He disposes of the used condom, washes himself and brushes his teeth. They never got around to kissing in Ray's haste to prove how heterosexual he was. Fraser puts that at the top of his list of thing to rectify.

He clicks off the light and pads back toward his room, switching off the hall light as he goes. He pauses to ask Diefenbaker what he thinks he's staring at and Dief tells him - in some detail. The wolf has an uncanny knack of being there to say 'I told you so' and an extensive knowledge of profanities. Fraser stiffly wishes him goodnight and returns to his office, firmly shutting the door in the face of lupine smugness.

Ray has already unrolled the thin pads onto the floor and is collecting every blanket Fraser possesses to make them comfortable in the small floor space available. Fraser notices that he has pulled his shorts back on, and is moving carefully, wincing when he bends. But when Ray notices Fraser noticing, he gives him an honest and rather rueful smile.

Fraser clicks off his desk lamp and they lie down side by side as they have done on occasion before, but the circumstances preclude the easy banter that usually accompanies such an exercise.

The silence lengthens, and although it's not uncomfortable, Fraser wishes he knew what Ray was thinking. Such a polar shift in outlook must be giving Ray plenty to think about, and Fraser would like to help him, if he can.

"So..." Ray says quietly over the sound of the rain, "I thought Mounties didn't swear."

Fraser recognises a delaying tactic when he hears one, but he's feeling indulgent. He rolls onto his side and lets his hand softly fall onto Ray's chest.

"Only in extremis, Ray," Fraser murmurs, and smiles as a warm hand closes over his own.

 

Fin


End file.
